(Followup from the post “Navigating Through the Unexpected“)

March 2022:

I don’t have it all figured out. The future is still uncertain. No crystal ball shows us what the future holds. We’re in our third year of experiencing world turmoil (pandemic, specifically), and calamities continue to transpire. When one disaster ends, another strikes. There is never truly an end to afflictions. They happen every day, whether we witness them or not.

From the very beginning of life’s conception, malevolence still hasn’t changed.

It’s disheartening coming to that realization. It’s terrifying to continue to grow within a world that is depleting every day. As a young person, not even twenty-five yet, navigating through the uncertainty is daunting and overwhelming. Adulthood doesn’t offer any compensation. There is no preparation for living the rest of our lives. I thought I had prepared for life after college, but I ended up disheartened. I had my degree in hand, all the experience I believed I needed, and was ready to carve out my future in glitter and gold. Then the world hit pause. Like every human during 2020 and 2021, life was different for us. It got murky, scary, uncertain, and unexpected. Melancholia took over and was hard to defeat.

After two years of uncertainty and stagnation, the world appeared on the mend. Then disaster struck again, physically and metaphorically. Wars began, projecting humanity into a more dark haze. There seems to be no way out of a darkening world. It is never-ending. There will always be problems and troubles sitting around every corner of our lives.

Most of the time, we are searching for answers to questions that haven’t been thought of yet. I seem to have more questions than answers, more steps than solutions. It is hard to take in. In simple generation z terms, shit sucks. Badly.

It’s easy to get caught up in the storms. They’re all the news focuses on. It’s hard to escape from it when it’s plastered on social media every day. While there is a lot of negativity easy to focus on, there is still good among the bad. Don’t let the rotten apples infect the rest of your being.

I have learned a lot since being stuck at my parent’s house, unemployed with no company willing to hire me for a full time job when I have a four-year degree.

Even when the world stops, life is still moving. Nature blooms, seasons come and go, time ticks on.

Life isn’t always fair. It beats you down and doesn’t offer any assistance. It leaves you to make your own decisions and fend for yourself. If life has taught us anything, it’s that life is a double-edged sword. You can ignore the negativity transpiring around you and go on with your life, but that negativity will continue to happen whether you notice it or not. You can focus on the negativity and be fully aware of everything happening, but you lose your own will in the process. Which side do we choose? Which avenue do we drive down? It’s hard to answer.

Morbidly, the troubles in our society enabled us to look at a different, bigger picture. Confined with the four walls stuck in my house, I learned how to appreciate the present. I learned how to be. I realized that every breath we take is precious, and my creativity is full of endless possibilities. I learned opportunities were not going to fall directly into my lap. I spent more time inside my head than speaking out loud. My social skills did take a hit, but my creativity flowed lusciously. I created and conceptualized, wrote what I felt, and didn’t pressure myself to achieve a particular standard.

A year later (from January 2021) and I am still learning and growing. I haven’t given up yet. I am frustrated I still cannot find a good job in my degree field, and I am trying not to worry about paying my student loans off right away. Money is dwindling, and I am looking at another avenue to test out. I’ve had to rethink and scrap plans I thought up last year.

A little pressure is starting to form beneath me, reminding me I need to have a stable plan. But I continue to remain undefeated. I’m not giving up when there is more out there for me. Even if I don’t have any inclinations about what my life is supposed to be yet. Sometimes I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off. I don’t know what the right decision is. I don’t know what the best path for me to take is because the world is always changing. Nothing is guaranteed or set in stone. How do I even begin to try and forge my path through ambivalence?

Baby steps.

A tiny step forward is better than remaining stagnant. I’ve begun planning obtainable goals for myself. At the beginning of each month, I create a monthly to-do list of the goals I want to achieve. I also write weekly to-do lists and put a checkmark when I’ve completed the task. I was never successful with maintaining a planner. But even the lists I create each week give me a sense of accomplishment like I’m making progress. And I am making progress! I can see it, even if it’s in the form of a single checkmark. That checkmark reminds me that I am moving forward, slowly making things happen for myself.

I started writing more on this blog, finished my first podcast season, and planted seeds for a (future) poetry publication. I have begun playing crossword puzzles and sudokus. I also found my love of reading again after developing a love/hate relationship with it during college (that story is another discussion for another time). I even started stretching most mornings and created a new schedule to get my body accustomed. Even though life in the home bubble hasn’t changed as much as the outside world has, there are small, significant changes that will help carry me throughout my life.

Change doesn’t have to be huge. It’s easier to make small changes first until you can chase the bigger goal. A huge lesson I have learned recently is that little progress is better than no progress. A tiny step forward is better than a step back in the wrong direction.

We’ve all had our blinders on for so long. We weren’t prepared for catastrophe and a viral armageddon. We became stuck inside ourselves, unable to move with our hands tied down. We were forced to stop and pause for longer than we were comfortable. We weathered the storms and eruptions of carnage. We dueled with monsters we never thought we would look in the face. We have all aged through this endurance course that doesn’t give any breaks or cheats. It continues to be our life and world, adapted and changed forever with time we’ll never get back.

We never know what cards we will get dealt. We have to carry on. We don’t have to carry on with our shoulders and heads high, but with our resilience and hope. We can crawl and slug through the trenches at our own pace. We’ll get filthy with the hardships we overcome, but we won’t stop. We can’t.

Life is hard. It’s not meant to be easy, but it’s not impossible either. In a world dimming, I still have hope. I believe that despite what obstacles I face ahead in my life, I will overcome with my determination. I haven’t even had the real opportunity to start my adult life yet. I’m ready and hopeful. I believe that my path will clear when the time is right. Things will begin to make sense.

It’s overwhelming to think about all the different trails you can take and not know the outcome. My job situation is still sticky, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay off my student loans, but I am taking the necessary steps to get myself there. I’m not giving up. Two years later, and I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. I’m not letting the world win. I’m not allowing for life to make me feel like I am missing out on my future. I believe in myself. I believe in what will come my way, from destiny or my own doing.

Time is not running out. Nature continues to bloom and transform into Spring. The sun shines overhead. Life isn’t over, despite the challenges we face. We’re still here living, breathing in a new day. There are still things to be grateful for. I anticipate the changes coming to me. I invite the growth to continue to take place inside me. I turn towards the future but keep my eyes on the present.

One of my biggest fears is failure– not becoming the person I aspire to be. Not amounting to what I hold myself. I am not a failure. I am persisting, and nothing will stop me from obtaining what is meant for me. I believe in myself. I believe in my power and will.

I’m not just coping anymore. I’m creating and continuing growth. Rain will continue to fall, but we can use that rain to water our seeds. One day that seed will grow into what you nurture it to be. That’s what I keep believing in.

Believe in the seed. Believe that whatever we face, we can conquer and grow taller. Growth is uncomfortable. Believe in growing and the process. We will eventually achieve our destination. Keep believing and never stop.